I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
