I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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