I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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