im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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