party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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