That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
