i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
