It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
