I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
