I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
