What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
