I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
