I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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