Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
