Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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