I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
