I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
