They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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