tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
