Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
