I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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