obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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