no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
