Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
This is my gift to your gina
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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