so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
