Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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