I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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