I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
