I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
