a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You were trust falling into bushes
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
