He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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