You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
