I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
