why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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