I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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