It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Randomize
