Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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