Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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