It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
