thus making me awesome and them whores
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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