I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
