He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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