You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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