i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
