eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
There's always time for handjobs
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
