First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
