I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
