I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
