I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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