Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
